Why Me?!

As a cancer patient, you prepare yourself as much as you can for the physical changes. Each week going in for treatment, I see people of all ages and at different stages in the treatment process. Cancer to some extent becomes this club. You share this instant bond as you are all fighting to win the battle.

As much as I was prepared to lose my hair, I wasn't prepared to see it coming out at an alarming rate and this early in the long journey.  It is especially hard to wake up and see piles of loose hair on my pillow--I'm not talking strains, I'm talking handful! Throughout the day, I would continue to lose hair. Hair was everywhere!!  Luckily I have thick hair but wonder how long before I lose it all.

Kinda gross but collected hair loss in the bathroom simply on Sunday!

On the first day, the hoarder in me, collected a pile just to see how much hair there really was.  Carter saw the pile and got really upset.  He said 'I don't want to see any more hair falling out of your head!'  I tried to comfort him while trying to control my very own feelings. I tried to explain to him the medicine that's helping mama get better will make my hair fall out.  We then know the medicine is working. He wasn't having it. I know Carter will be my toughest during this journey. He's old enough to understand. He is also my sensitive little guy. My heart breaks for him and Katherine but know they will grow to be stronger, more resilient and compassionate for others.  I may not see it now but I know it will happen.  My family often reminds me of this.

I was feeling pretty frustrated over the weekend. I'm mad that I run out of energy so fast and on very basic things.  Simple things that I use to fly through takes me forever. It takes all my might to change the sheets and make the bed. I have to rest to recharge. While resting, I become angry! I can hear the kids and Mike playing in the background. I'm sad to be missing out on all the fun. Life seems too cruel at these moments but try to remind myself this is all temporary.  Just wish this temporary can be expedited somehow and someway....

It is Tuesday and I made it into the office again today. While at work, the light in the bathroom revealed something I wasn't quite ready to see. I know I have been losing hair. I just didn't realize where. I noticed the top part of my head was beginning to thin out--to the point I'm able to see my scalp! This was the first time that it sunk in that I'm really about to lose my hair!  I'll continue to hold on as long as I can.

I received a call tonight from the genetic counselor at NWH with results. She indicated that all 29 genetics tests came back negative. They retested the BRA2 gene at a different location, since I previously tested at BIDH, and it was confirmed negative for a second time.

This all being said, the strain of cancer I have may be something that hasn't been discovered or it could just be environmental. This makes cancer this much scarier because no one is safe!  A lot of cancers do not have connections to genetics but with family history, I was convinced somehow it had to be genetically related.

I think selfishly I was really hoping the genetic testing results would give me some answers. Instead it leaves me further confused. Mike helped comfort me by saying he's happy it's not genetic related since my parents have already been through so much already. As much as I try, I know my parents are blaming themselves.  Now there is scientific evidence that the cancer I have is not a known genetic mutation, it can't be linked to them. I just can't help it wonder why me??!