So many feelings and emotions this week. I returned to work for the first time in nearly 2 weeks. I have been working as much as I can remotely but I was craving some semblance of normalcy so went in on Tuesday.  I must be 'sick' since I was excited to be going to work.  This was the first week in a long time without doctor's appointments other than my weekly scheduled treatment on Thursdays.  I was looking forward to setting a routine with my new reality.

I had a great first day back.  Everyone was super supportive, kind and pulling for me! At times, I even felt like a rock star.  😉  Folks, including our CEO and CIO, stopped by to show their support and cheer me on.  A colleague and good friend, Mary, brought in buttons and pink bracelets that read 'No One FIGHTS Alone!'  I was definitely feeling the love.  As the day progressed, I started running out of energy. The low energy level is a big adjustment since I don't look and feel sick but once the energy is zapped, I'm exhausted!  The highlight of my first day back was I took a lunch break!  For those who know me, I almost never break for lunch.  Mary and I sneaked out for a fun IHop lunch.  I don't think I've been to an IHop in nearly a decade, if not longer!

Cancer really is a strange thing!  The more you talk about it, people know the word cancer but some really don't understand the disease or journey (nor would I expect them to if they haven't been affected).  What surprises me most is how many people's lives have been touched by cancer.  I have been introduced to survivors and have heard so many incredible inspiring stories.  It's amazing how far research has come, especially in the realm of breast cancer.

There are moments still that I feel like this is all a bad dream.  For the very first time in my life, I have been looking for a fast forward button.  I'll even settle for the Staple's easy button!  The toughest time of the day is at night.  I lay awake and the tears start to flow.  I'm mostly angry and my brain can not shut down. The discomfort of the port is also a constant reminder.  To be honest, the port makes me feel like an alien!  It's just this strange object that sticks out underneath my skin.  I'm still waiting for the day that it will help me.  For now, it is a constant reminder of the pain, journey so far and what lies ahead.  

Since the diagnosis, I feel like I walk around with a different set of lenses on.  I look at people and things differently--everyone has a story.  I wish there was a way to convey the message of having compassion for others as you don't know what their story is...

It is Wednesday night and the nerves are starting to set for treatment tomorrow morning.  I just need one good treatment under my belt to boost my confidence.  I can handle pain but these reactions are all too scary.  Each time I have them, I feel like I may die.  I'm probably being overly dramatic but it is scary to not have control over your body.