Wooohoo 75%!

It has been a tough 2 weeks in between treatments 2 and 3. After the last round of treatment, I caught a cold. With my compromised immune system, I just haven't been able to shake it. I have been coughing nonstop. Of course, I can't help but wonder if anything else is wrong with me. I have googled my symptoms. Not a good idea! I have been advised by my doctor that because my immune system is weaken, it will take my body a little longer to fight off. Once again, I wish there was a fast forward button to this phase. I'll want a pause button once I'm healthy again. 😊

I did manage to have a little fun during the past two weeks. I accompanied my siblings to a charity event that I agreed to participate in prior to knowing my chemo cycle. I was extremely worried I wouldn't be in any shape to go but somehow I managed. I wish I had better memories. I also was able to visit Carter's classroom for a Halloween event. Unfortunately I wasn't able to take the kids trick or treating but they had a good time with neighbors. Thankful for our awesome hood!

I lost pretty much lost all my hair as nurse Nikki warned me. It happened rather fast. I don't know why but this second time around was a tad harder for me. I was sad to see it fall out. I had grown attached to the fuzzy duck hair!! I am also thankful that it held on for the charity runway walk!

I went back to see my plastic surgeon, Dr. Liao, last week. Unfortunately my left arm motion, where the lymph nodes where removed, is not where it should be so he's recommending OT. The referral is rather aggressive of 3x a week for 90 days. With all my appointments and just not feeling well, it is not high on my priority list. I will go for an assessment since I know my arm movement is not normal and where it should. I'm hopeful he/she will provide some exercises I can do at home without having to go in nearly as often.

This journey has been incredibly hard, especially this regime, but I dig deep and try to to focus on the positives. I have met and/or been put in touch with wonderful people. When I first started, a colleague put me in touch with his mom. She battled and beat this awful disease twice! She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders! Thank you Patricia! I also was put in touch with one of Carter's friend's grandmother, who is on the tail end of battling the illness. It has been helpful to have such support system, including my sister, who has been in remission 6 years now. Most recently, I reached out to a teacher aid at Carter's school, who was recently diagnosed. I don't know how but there was an instant connection. My heart breaks for her that she's just starting this journey. We share the same medical oncologist, Dr. Comander. It feels good to be able to pay forward somehow someway. Cancer sucks but it isn't all necessarily bad. It's an exclusive club that bonds people who are fighters! I hope once I'm healthy again that I can somehow and someway give back more.

50% down! Slowly getting there...

Restless once again at 3:45am so here we go.

I received my second round of the awful AC chemo drug yesterday. I first met with Dr. Comander to talk about the first round. She was incredibly supportive and apologized that I have to go through all this but there is still just not enough evidence for me to forgo this round despite being clinically disease free. She's hoping some years down the road there is enough evidence to skip this phase for future patients, if there is enough data to support it but as of now everyone is still administering the AC drug.  It's a way to dot the i's and cross the t's in my case.

We reviewed protocols after my last round of treatment. I have to take a few drugs a few days after treatment to help with nausea. I wasn't aware I was missing a medication last week so really hoping this week will go a bit better than last. We have an action packed weekend ahead filled with the normal weekend commitments of dance, soccer, etc. in addition to a few special events including a charity fashion show, school's monster bash, Spooktaular outing in the time common and Halloween fun with friends! I am really bummed to be potentially missing out on the fun but hopefully I can make it to some festivities.

While in the infusion room, I had nurse Nikki again. I had her last week and she was great! I miss nurse Ann from MGHW but feel very lucky to be cared for by great, caring providers. I truly think it takes a special someone to be able to work in this profession. They have so much compassionate, empathy, and just incredible people. I also saw nurse Diane today. She previously worked at MGHW but recently joined NHW. It was great to see a familiar face. She came over and to say hi and said Ann told her to look for me! 😊

The treatment process was fairly uneventful. I sat towards the front of the infusion room so wasn't sitting next to anyone. My chemo buddy, Mike, was in and out. He left to take calls. I was left with a book, trashy magazines (thanks Zhanna!), random snacks (I came prepared because you never know when beast mode happens! Unlike MGH, NWH does not have endless snacks.) and my good ole phone.

While administering the Adriamycin drug, since it has to be pushed, I got to catch up with Nikki. We talked about family, mostly the kids, and the planner in me asked questions about what's ahead. I asked her when she thought I would lose my hair again. She said as quickly as this weekend. I'm a bit sad about this because I have grown a little attach to the fuzzy duck hair. 😕 Soon enough, it will return and stay! Nikki also told me I could start herceptin 2-3 weeks after this round of chemo. I assumed I couldn't until I started radiation in January. I was also looking forward to having the month of December 'off' from treatment but in typical Lynne fashion as soon as I heard this, the thought of the quicker we start, the quicker we will be done!! Nikki is going to touch base with Dr. Comander on this. I jokingly said I have December off but my calendar is jammed packed with doctors appointments already. It will be nice to not have treatments so I'll focus on that. I will be meeting with Dr. Tillman, radiology oncologist and again with Dr. Comander. I have to also follow up with Dr. Liao, surgeon, on my left arm. I'm still not sure if I will be needing OT. They were delaying this referral because it would have been too much with chemo.

This past week, I met with Dr. McDonough, my new primary care physician, who specializes with cancer patients and survivors. She came highly recommended and didn't disappoint! Before this cancer diagnosis, I truly had a boring medical history.  I made this quick realization when I was completing the new patient survey form.  I use to fly through them but now I actually have information to include.  I also have more doctors than on my hand!!

Dr. Mc.Donough and I spent a lot of time talking about me. It's hard to articulate but I'm constantly scared yet remain forever hopeful. I heard the great news from the pathological results several time and by many doctors but I continue to worry what if something was missed. I probably really need to stop reading blogs of random strangers! They are a source of inspiration, yet plant random seeds in my head of the worse! How can I truly know I'm disease free? I think anyone who has gone through this can relate. I don't think I'll ever be the same. I scan my body everyday to make sure I'm not missing something. I develop a cough, I worry! I know all this is my new reality. It will take me some time. One the flip side, I learn to cherish each and every day more these days. I often stop and pause to look at Carter and Katherine, give them my undivided attention even if it's just for a few mins daily. I did this before but not often enough. I love their ages. They still think we are cool and enjoy spending time with us so I'm going to try to maximize it while I can!

Next phase, one down..

The doctor's visit and the first round of the second treatment went as well as it could. I had a lot of anxiety and nerves walking into the infusion room for the first time at NWH.  The environment was completely different than at MGH, where the treatment rooms are private.  NWH is open concept so you are in a room filled with other patients all receiving care.  I wasn't prepared to see the number of people that I became overwhelmed and started to tear up.  I was also scared of the reaction to the new drugs.  I was full of emotions but the nurses were incredibly kind and helped me through the process. During treatment, I sat next to a lady, Vivian, who shared her story.  She said she has metastatic breast cancer and has been going in for herceptin treatment for the past 9 years!  I couldn't believe it but it definitely helped put things into perspective.  

To help pass time at the treatment, I was bored and took a few pics.

My chemo buddy and rock. Smiling and working hard while I'm receiving treatment.  Thank you for adjusting your schedule and for always being there for me and the kids. We love you more than you know it! 

Took a selfie to capture what hair I have! I was told after the second treatment, I would lose everything again. :( 

This round of chemo was my toughest yet.  I was warned this round of chemo would hit me hard but didn't realize to what extent.  I was pretty much out of commission starting Friday afternoon until Tuesday.  I was alive but not living.  I thought I would be given a grace period of a few days but the drug hit me almost immediately.  On Friday morning, I did get to see one of my college girlfriends, Sandra, who was visiting from GA and her sister, Nikki.  We had a fun quick visit.  That afternoon, I remember feeling pretty tired and crashing hard until part of Monday when my parents came to visit. I remember sitting up and talking to them but would fade in and out.  I actually don't have many recollections of those 4 days.  I slept a ton. I felt miserable and was very angry.  What did I do to deserve this??!

On Tuesday morning, I started feeling slightly better, except I couldn't shake the nausea and developed a cough.  I slowly feeling like myself again but I couldn't stop thinking about food for the past few days.  All I wanted to do was eat!  I was told that it was the steroids that's making me hungry.  It's so bad because I would dream about food. Unfortunately when I actually ate, I would feel sick.  Fun times!

One of the best news of this past treatment was instead of having to give myself shots, I was able to receive this medication through the use of a pod that stayed on my body for 27 hours after treatment.  The pod injected me with a needle and the medication had a timer that went off after the set time.  It blinked green and eventually turn yellow and then red so I know when it was safe to take off.  The pod is actually nifty and looked like this.  Because the chemo treatment depleted me of white blood cells, this medication provided me with a boost of white blood counts.

It is now Tuesday on the week of chemo and I'm feeling human again!  I'm no longer crazy hungry or nausea.  I'm finally better almost in time for the next treatment!  :(  The nerves will set as Thursday approaches closer.  I'm not looking forward to the next round of treatment but after I get through it, I'll be half way there.  I can't wait for all this to behind me and my family.  It really has been incredibly hard but I choose to focus on my blessings instead.  I continue to be amazed by what a loving, supportive and caring partner I have in Mike. I am forever grateful for my amazing family, close and supportive friends.  I feel incredibly blessed to live and am part of a wonderful community and being cared for by amazing doctors and nurses.

It's weird to me when people say I've been a rock star during this journey.  Honestly, I feel like anyone in my shoes would do the same.  All I'm doing is simply fighting to stay alive.  I don't think I'm doing anything exceptional or out of the ordinary.  I simply choose to focus on the positives.  There will always be people out there who are far worse off than you. This mindset is not easy at times but am quickly reminded when I see these two little rugrats!

Always a silly face edition!

Insomnia

Insomnia is the pits! But insomnia combined with nerves may be 10x worse. I'm laying here wide awake when the rest of the house is quiet as a mouse. I should be sleeping but I can't.  The harder I try, the more awake and alert I become. It's 3:30 am and infomercials are on. I decided to blog instead of being tempted in buying something that doesn't work. So here goes my random rant. 😊

Well the next big day is here. I've been a ball of nerves. Information is power and key but I'm simply scared. I have heard so much about what is called AC drugs. I have heard they have a cumulative effect so it will become more taxing on my body as the weeks progress. I have been warned, during this treatment, I will have to give myself shots. I freaking hate needles! And supposedly the portion of the AC drug is red in color so I'll be peeing what appears to be blood. Can't wait! Gross!! To my family and friends, I apologize in advance for my behavior during the next few weeks. Buckle up, it should be interesting!

The journey so far, I feel like I've been in drive mode. When we started with the first round of chemo, I jumped right in and didn't have much time to think or really process the information. Perhaps it was a blessing! I was nervous about surgery as well but it didn't dawn on me how invasive or how my body would change. I'm still getting use to these new things they call boobs! I know this all sounds crazy but perhaps this has been how I have been coping. This round of chemo has been different. I have had a lot of idle time, recovering from surgery that the mind wonders.

I'm trying really hard to focus on the positives. I'm beyond blessed to have the results of the first round of chemo. Some people are not nearly as lucky so instead of complaining or being scared I'm trying to focus on that! This next round will help knock out what is left. If I do get sick, it simply means the medicine is working. Some people would love such a response.  I have been reading this one other lady's blog. She has metastatic breast cancer. She said that because the chemo no longer works, she has no side effects. Whenever I think I'm struggling, I read her blog and she really help puts things into perspective. So to this lady who I have not met, thank you for blogging and sharing your journey. I admire your strength and courage. You are beyond amazing and inspirational!

It's crappy luck that I got cancer. No one deserves cancer! I never feel sorry for myself. My heart often breaks for the kids but they are also the reason why I can't mope around and feel sorry. They are the engine to what makes this body run.  I choose to focus on the positives and fight!  Cancer has taught me a lot about myself and will continue to shape who I am.  It has also taught me that it is important to live life with no regret and to live each day like it could be my last.  It has taught me to treat my body well.  It has showed me my many blessings and has showed me what true friendship looks like. The journey isn't over but I no longer look at the six little letter word, cancer, as pure evil. I associate it more with HOPE. I remain forever hopefully all the time, not just for me but for everyone. Cancer has taught me how to have grace, and empathy for all people. 'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.ALWAYS!'

We have best prepared the kids for this next round. We talked at dinner about mommy having to go in for treatment and that I may feel tired.  Tonight while tucking Carter in bed, he asked can you get cancer twice? I was honest with him and pray every day that I'm truly cancer free.

Real tv is about to come back on so I'll watch a little bit and hopefully get a little shut eye before the kids get up. Thanks to all the family and friends who have reached out to show your love and support. I'm okay. Chugging along. The quicker I get started, hopefully the quicker it will be over. After today, I will be a quarter done with this round. I can do it!  😊

Serendipity

The second round of chemo will start this week and I'm once again restless. So many thoughts are lurking in my head that I can't quite shut down. I often wonder if I'm clinically cancer free, is this next round of chemo and radiation necessary? What is the chemo targeting? I'm mostly scared as I will be receiving treatment of new more toxic drugs at a new hospital with new nurses. The only familiar face will be my medical oncologist. I decided I to follow Dr. Comander to her new practice at NWH.

As much as I have tried to beat the planner out of me, I'm a mom and a planner!  The unknown of how I'll feel at this next go has me freaked out. I'm mostly scared that I'll be so sick that I can't care for the kids. I'm holding onto hope that somehow someway I will make it through the next 8 weeks as quickly as the first 12 weeks.

It has been 4 weeks since my surgery. I'm pretty much back to my ole self with the exception of limited range to my left arm, where the lymph nodes where removed. I have been doing strengthening exercises and have made progress. It unfortunately isn't quite there yet and therefore haven't received the clearance to drive. I am hoping the arm improves without OT. I have enough doctor's appointments that I don't need more.

The kids helping me with strengthening arm exercises. Katherine gets excited when she's able to reach as far up on the wall as me. Carter is the time keeper.  I'm smiling here because the right arm is a breeze!

I'm incredibly thankful for my parents during this whole ordeal, especially during the past 4 weeks while I'm recovering. They have been so incredible with making sure the fridge is full, we have prepared meals, the house is tidy and helping with the kids. Mom and dad, we hope you realize how much we appreciate you and your selflessness! From the bottom of our hearts, THANK YOU!

My last chemo treatment was August 18th. It will be roughly 2 months since I will receive treatment on October 13th. The past 2 months flew! I love that I'm feeling normal and like me again (well maybe not the chest area! I'm still getting use to these things they call boobs!) I continue to be amazed with the hair regrowth. It has come back and I kinda like it! Maybe I'll rock the pixie haircut for awhile after my hair grows out and stays (haha...not like it's a choice but I will have to for awhile until the hair grows back).  I will be sad to see if go again in a few days but know it will return again soon enough.

I have been so overwhelmed with all the medical bills. We decided back in July to explore Mike's insurance.  My policy carried a steep co-payment at every doctor's visit of $90 since it's a tiered system. Mike's was more reasonable at $25 across the board. My policy also had a large deductible for labs, scans, etc., which Mike's did not.  We carried both insurances for a bit just to make sure.  We finally dropped my insurance and thought Mike's policy was better.  Unfortunately we received a recent bill for a whopping 6k for the surgery.  In the whole scheme of things, this is a very small percentage of the actual bill but came as a surprise since we didn't anticipate it.  Mike's policy has what is referred to as coinsurance and we are responsible for this portion first along with the deductible.  I was prepared for the deductible, I wasn't familiar with the coinsurance.  Just prior to this bill, I just got through squaring away lab and scan bills from my old policy of 1k.  As much as all this sucks, I'm trying to focus on the positive that soon enough, I'll have my health back and can work to pay it off. I feel very fortunate but often feel overwhelmed during these quiet times.

Shifting gears to something a bit more joyful.  This past weekend...something a bit serendipitous happened. We went to The Local in Wayland with some friends. We have never been to this restaurant prior or really ventured to Wayland. As we parked, we noticed a car reverse. I assumed the car was trying to pull into the spot next to us. To our surprise, it was nurse Ann from MGH!! She saw us and reversed to say hi! I was so happy to see her as I didn't get to see her on my last day of treatment. We caught up quickly and I finally had the courage to ask her for her contact. I didn't ever really have the chance or did I think it was appropriate while I was receiving treatment.  It truly was meant to be because Ann said she's never area there either and just happened to be there today. Thanks Ann for stopping to say hi!! You are stuck with me. 😉

Post surgery--Clinically Cancer Free!

Quite a bit has taken place since the surgery.  Last Friday afternoon, I heard from Dr. Specht regarding the pathology results.  She said my tumor showed a complete pathological response to the chemotherapy and that my lymph nodes all came back negative.  I heard the words she was saying but couldn't believe them.  I asked questions but wasn't sure I was asking the right questions.  I was stumbling for words and Dr. Specht knew it.  She kept reinforcing that these are results doctors want for their patients.  I was cautiously excited.

We met with my medical team out in Boston on Monday, the 26th.  I was excited and anxious leading up to these appointments.  I wanted confirmation of what I heard on Friday was correct.  I was also hoping, perhaps that I'm now cancer free, the treatment plan would be shorten or change.  We first met with Dr. Comander who was kind enough to print out the pathology results.  She confirmed what Dr. Specht called and told me.  I was beyond excited!  We then talked about next steps.  I had shared that I had hoped that the treatment plan would somehow change based on these results.  Unfortunately, even though I'm clinically cancer free, there is not enough data to support ending my treatment at this stage so I will need to complete the standard of care.

I was crushed and the tears starting flowing as she painted the long road map which consisted of 8 more weeks of chemo (once every 2 weeks) starting mid October, 6 weeks of radiation (once every day) starting mid January and infusion of herceptin once every 3 weeks for a total of 39 weeks beginning mid January to complete a year of the herceptin treatment.  There was some confusion as I have always assumed the end date to this journey would be a year since I heard the phase 'a year of treatment.'  I was as best prepared for May 2017.  With the infusion of herceptin resuming in mid January, my completion date is looking more like end of September or beginning of October 2017.  :(  A little difficult to explain but I had already had 4 dosages of herceptin during the initial 12 weeks of treatment. I need to have a total of 17 to complete a full year so need 13 more treatments, which equates to 39 weeks since it's once every 3 weeks.

If I look at the entire road map, it is overwhelming and I can't help but cry.  I am going to approach as how I have got to this point.  I'm simply going to focus on what's next.  With that said, I am focused on recovering so that I can take on this next round of chemo.  Unfortunately I have been told by many people this next round of chemo will not be easy. I will not get as lucky as the first round as the drug will be more toxic with many side effects (vomiting, lost of appetite, loss of hair, fatigue, etc).  I will most likely feel sicker and may not be able to work.  I truly do not know how to prepare for such so praying that somehow I get through this next phase as easy as possible.

In the back of my mind, as always, I think about the kids.  It has not been easy.  Carter and Katherine have been so incredible!  They are very understanding of my limitations since surgery and have been so great!  Katherine loves helping me put on and take off my jacket.  They both enjoy helping me get off from the couch by pushing my back. I should be helping them but the roles have been reversed lately.  My heart, at times, hurts for them but other time is beaming with pride. It has been a long few weeks...what I miss the most is hugs from the kids. They have been giving me hugs but are too scared to hurt me. I can't wait until I'm able to get and give them hugs again!

I was so excited about the cancer free news that perhaps I jumped the gun in sharing this news.  We all danced around the house when I shared this news.  We generally have dance parties at each milestone.  I believe Carter has shared this cancer free news with everyone under the sun who has asked.  He has asked some tough questions about what is next and we have been honest.  I don't know how to answer why we have to continue with the treatment plan other than explaining it is as if your doctor prescribes antibiotics...you just have to see the prescription through.  I'm mostly worried about the sick part in this next round of chemo.  We have never used the word sick to describe my illness so I'm worried they'll see me truly sick with vomiting and/or other sick like symptoms :(

My last round of chemo was August 18th.  My hair is slowly growing back and the kids have noticed.  It's pretty exciting stuff!  I too am excited but am sad to think that the hair will fall out again once I resume chemo.  We have best prepared the kids for the hair loss again.  This part of the treatment process seems pretty cruel.

With the drains out this week, I am feeling slightly human again!  I have decided to return to work.  Since I can not drive, I'm working remotely.  I had initially wanted to try out an hour or two but have been doing okay with longer duration.  For now, I'll take each day as it comes and do the best that I can...

Surgery, tubes and drains

It has been roughly two and a half weeks since I had surgery.  I'm still in a bit of pain but feeling better each and every day!  I had my first set of drains removed a week after surgery.  I finally got the last two sets removed this past Monday and am feeling free and overall better with the exception of limited mobility to my arms.  My right arm is doing a lot better than my left.  I am able to move about 90 degrees.  The doctors say this should improve as the weeks progress. If not, I may need OT.  Let's hope this isn't the case!  I have more than enough doctor's appointment already.  :)

The drains were very challenging.  They had to be stripped and the fluids had to be measured twice a day. Thanks Mike for being my personal nurse!  The process at time was painful.  In case you don't know what these drains look like...here's a pic.

I had two on both sides. The best way for me to describe them is that they look like little hand grenades with tubes attached to the body.  The fluid is the excess liquid that your body is putting out around the wound.  Once the drains are removed, your body retains this excess fluid so it is important to get the fluid level down before removing them to avoid infections.

I wasn't able to take a shower until the drains were removed.  Dr. Liao told me to remember 3 things during recovery--keep the area dry, take my antibiotics, and protect my chest area with soft things.  To help me remember, I told Dr. Liao I remembered the word SAD (S-Soft, A-Antibiotics, D-Dry) because partially this was how I was feeling during recovery.  He laughed and said in his years of practice no one has said this to him.  Mike said ADS might be a slightly better word.  We had a good laugh.  I have a feeling Dr. Liao will remember me.  :)

Quick recap of my surgery is it went as well as it could.  Dr. Specht removed 14 lymph nodes and performed a double mastectomy.  Everything looked good but we needed to wait for the pathology results.  My skin was healthy enough for Dr. Liao to go direct-to- implant. The good news is I do not have to get a secondary surgery. The negative thing about direct-to-implant route is that the implants that they used is smaller than my actual size prior to surgery.

Here are some pics with the family from my hospital bed.

Dr. Comander happened to see my name on the board and stopped in to check in on me and say hi.  It was a nice surprise.

THANK YOU FAMILY AND FRIENDS FOR ALL YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!  We are truly touched to be surrounded by so many loving and caring people.  We are beyond blessed!

Normalcy...glorious but unfortunately short lived!

For those who have been following this blog...sorry I have been a delinquent in blogging.  It has been a glorious few weeks without treatments!  I'm happy to report, although I'm scared to jinx it, I haven't been blogging because I have been able to sleep!  :)

We have done so much as a family and I loved each and every moment!  We took one last trip of the summer to visit Mike's parents in GA.  My parents came along to lend a helping hand so the kids were in their glory with both sets of grandparents.  We were able to piggyback a road trip to FL while we were in GA.  It was so nice to 'forget' and live life somewhat normal!  Unfortunately my new reality includes constants of calls and emails from the hospital.  So if I'm able to block such, it does feel somewhat normal.

When we got back, Carter started school on Wednesday.  I can not believe he's in first grade now!  The first week of school was been action packed!  Carter started his first fall soccer season practice (Thursday) and then lost his first front tooth (Friday)!! We also took family pics over the weekend to wrap up an already busy week.

When I started blogging this draft...surgery was a week away! Now it is a day away! The past week flew by with great memories. Throughout the week, I kept thinking..next week, at this time...and now on the night before the surgery...I can hardly believe it is really happening!

I have been so incredibly blessed to be surrounded by so much love and support. I have been showered with packages and flowers in addition to texts, emails, notes and cards from people near and far.  I'm truly humbled by the outpouring of support.

I didn't have much anxiety about the surgery but spoke to the nurse about pre-admission registration last Tuesday.  It was then that it started sinking in that I'm actually going to have surgery!  This will be the first time in my life that I will have surgery so it feels surreal and scary at the same time.  I'm trying to block it out but as the days approaches, the nerves definitely linger during those quiet time when I'm alone. I have hope that everything will work out. I have an amazing team of doctors.

My incredible family surprised me with a good luck surprise party this weekend. JD coordinated with Mike to come over on Saturday afternoon.  I didn't think anything about it since this is something we do from time to time.  We had a very busy Saturday with ballet for Katherine, soccer and karate for Carter and the town was hosting a fair.  The Saturday adventures flew and we headed to JD's and Luke's a tad late.  We entered their apartment and my entire family jumped out and shouted SURPRISE!!  Everyone was wearing pink!  Mike, Carter, Katherine and I did not get the memo (well maybe Mike did but didn't share, ;))  Van bought an extra pink dress for me. I was so touched that everyone came together and did this for me!  We enjoyed a nice catered meal and yummy desserts!  Thanks JD for coordinating, hosting and being the best little brother a sister could ask for!!

It is the night of the big surgery day.  It has been a tough day mentally as I did the best I could to try to not think about the day ahead but also wanted to best prepare the kids for the surgery and my recovery time.  Carter was super sweet as usual and prepared multiple cards and drew on chalkboard and signs throughout the house!  How did I get so lucky to have such a sweet and thoughtful boy?!

I am full of emotions but wanted to get this post out there as I haven't had a chance to blog.  I probably will not have an opportunity to blog again anytime soon but hopefully one of my guest bloggers will help me out.  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow!

First big milestone-#12!

Because of the shorten time lapse between treatments 10 and 11, I had a tougher week than usual initially. I wouldn't think a couple days would have made a difference but it did! My body felt like it was trying to tell me enough! It did eventually bounce back but did take longer than the typical weekly routine. Lesson learned: efficiency isn't always better!

Treatment #12 was my first big milestone so I wanted to do something special and fun to celebrate the wonderful folks who have been taking care of me. It was a welcome distraction and something fun to plan!  I ordered cupcakes and made fruit skewers.  I also wanted to get nurse Ann a little something for having to deal with me for the majority of my treatments.  I thought a bracelet would be meaningful so picked her up and Alex and Ani bracket that conveyed love and healing.

I was pumped for treatment 12. Perhaps the extra time lapse now on the back end was helping me feel better. In any case, it was a good feeling!  The kids made a cute sign for the hospital staff to thank them for taking care of me! The sign read 'Thank you for helping my mommy feel better! Love, Carter and Katherine.' We dropped off the goodies along with the sign with the receptionist upon checking in. I guess to be expected, they receive so many gifts, they had a system on how to handle deliveries. The receptionist emailed everyone and then dropped the goodies off in the break room. As I walked in to get my vitals and bloodwork, everyone thanked us for the treats.

For some reason this week's lab results took longer than usual so we waited for a bit out in the waiting room. We were finally called into an infusion room and were welcomed back to room #9! I couldn't help but smile because this was the same room I had my first treatment and Carter's favorite number! Outside room #9,  the kids' sign was hung up. It was really sweet! I looked around to see nurse Ann but didn't see her. I saw a card with my name on it. I waited until nurse Gail came in and gave me the card. She said Ann isn't in today but wanted her to pass along this card to me. She excused herself to go get the premeds.  Ann's card was simply the sweetest!

My brother, Jimmy, surprised me with a beautiful boutique of flowers. His fiancé, Luke, made me some of the kids and my favorite cookies. I was in my glory!  Jimmy was there for me on my first day of treatment and again on the last day.  Here we are on week 1 and week 12!

Here is also a pic of me on week 1 and week 12...crazy to think how much has changed in the past 12 weeks...

Dr. Comander walked in to check in on me. She shared some news on her end. MGH will be taking over NWH cancer center. She was offered the position of head of Breast Oncology and will start over there in November. She assured me that everything will be okay. I can continue to receive treatment at MGH West as I'm familiar with the practice and hospital staff and she can still be my doctor. I am happy for Dr. Comander but a bit scared of what this all means for me with the rest of my treatments.  I'm hopeful I can continue to receive treatments at MGH West and visit Dr. Comander at NWH, if I need or for doc's appointments.

Treatment #12 took longer than I had anticipated. I think in part because nurse Gail wasn't all too familiar with me. I don't remember much after the Benedryl. I often joke and say it's my street drug. It leaves in a fog.

After the treatment, we rushed off to MGH in Boston to meet with Dr. Liao. This was the first time meeting him. He was extremely kind and knowledgeable. We talked about my options which included no reconstruction surgery, direct to implant (DTI) and Tissue Expansion (TE). Similar to my consult with Dr. Specht, a lot isn't known until they go in and perform the surgery. The primary focus is to get me all better so I can continue my treatment to kick cancer's a$$! Depending on how well my skin is during the surgery, the plan is DTI, which means Dr. Liao will put in what I currently have or something smaller. If my skin isn't well, he'll go with plan B and do TE, which will expand.  I will need a secondary surgery with TE.  I'm trying not to worry about the details of surgery because a lot is out of my control but I still worry!  I'm going to try enjoy the time off between this big milestone and surgery.

One more to go! Treatment #11!

We met with my surgeon, Dr. Spech on Tuesday. I have to quickly mention how bada$$ she is.  She walked into our meeting wearing hot pink heels!  With family history, I'm opting for a more invasive surgery of bilateral mastectomy.  She went over the general plan of this procedure but a lot is unknown until she performs the surgery.  Dr.  Specht will perform 2 incisions roughly between 6 to 9 o'clock about 10 cm long.  There were clips in place to identify affected the lump and lymph node so she will use those as markers. She will proceed aggressively but cautiously.  The hope is the chemo treatments have shrunk the tumor enough that the area is clearly defined.  A radiologist will be in the surgery room as well as an anesthesiologist.  The radiologist will test samples along the way and the anesthesiologist will make sure I'm comfortable.  As we were talking, I can't help but think this journey is very much like having a baby (not nearly as fun but a lot of similarities!)

The plan if everything goes well, I'll be able to have reconstructive surgery at the same time.  If not, I will have subsequent surgeries but for now I'm hopeful it will be one and done.  Dr. Specht will do her best to preserve my nipples (procedure known as nipple sparing). Should they test positive for cancerous cells, an additional surgery will be needed as they can't remove them during this surgery.  The surgery will take roughly 4-5 hours.  I will be in the hospital overnight a day or two.  I will not be able to drive for a least 2-3 weeks and recovery is estimated to be 4-6 weeks.  

We talked quickly about the reconstructive surgery. I asked about potentially going larger.  😊  Dr. Specht said she couldn't see why not but it really depends on the elasticity of my skin.  I haven't met with Dr. Liao, the plastic surgeon, but he comes highly recommended. I'm told he's a perfectionist and has been working with Dr. Specht on many similar cases. I will be in good hands! I'm scheduled to meet with Dr. Liao next Thursday, following my last round of chemo treatment!  Of course, I have googled Dr. Liao and my other doctors to read about them.  I feel very fortunate to have a great medical team and remain hopeful!

I thought to save a trip on Thursday perhaps they could squeeze me in for my chemo treatment a few days earlier. It was a short infusion so I decided to ask. Everyone was extremely understanding and supportive. Dr. Comander agreed to it, if my vitals and lab were okay. I nervously waited for the results and when the Medical Assistant came out to take me into a room, I was relieved! It changed up my weekly routine but perhaps it's a blessing as I did not have time to worry about the weekly appointment! My stomach is generally a bowl of jello on Wednesday, with all the nerves and anxiety.

Throughout the day, I couldn't help but be reminded that this was my 11th treatment.  I meet with Dr. Specht in exam room 11 and had infusion in room 11 on treatment #11!  I'll take it as a good some sign! The treatment process overall was fairly uneventful, except for the dreaded Benedryl. I had nurse Stacy. I've had her before when she helped with getting me ready for treatment. She was also one of the nurses that came in when I was shaking at the beginning treatments. Before administering the pre-treatment drugs, she asked about Benedryl. I confirmed that it needed to be slow drip over 30 mins. Based on her reaction, I think she thought it was too long.  As I received the drug, she quickly realized how much of an impact the drug had on me.  I was extremely groggily and just out of it.  I could hear things that were happening but I just couldn't respond to them.  I was struggling to keep my eyes open.  After the pre-treatment, the chemo drug was administered.  I started feeling out of sorts. I think because of the time lapse between the two treatments and because I had the long treatment last week, this round simply may have put me over the top.  I really was just struggling.

My has this one pic of her receiving treatment back in 2010.  She really wanted me to take a similar pic so she could do a side by side comparison.  Here we are!  I do have to say we look very much alike!!

Double digits! 10 down!!

Before starting treatment #10, we met with my medical oncologist, Dr. Comander. We talked about how I have been doing and the road ahead. I decided to wear my halo wig into the office earlier in the week because I thought clients would be onsite. The meeting got rescheduled. The synthetic hair irritated my neck and caused rashes. Dr. Comander said this in conjunction to one of the chemo drugs, Peruzimab, it is common for rashes to develop. Lately I'm having a more difficult time concentrating and just seem more forgetful. Mike has had to help me retrace my steps to find things. The kids participate in the fun as well!  When I lose my keys or phone, everyone tries to help me locate them.  I will drive and know where I am going yet get distracted and get lost! I expressed such to Dr. Comander and she indicated it is normal for my body to be reacting like this because it is in time of distress. She told me she was surprised I have been working and doing so well. She warned me that the next round of chemo will be more harsh and I may not be as lucky.

I took the opportunity to talk about a rough timeline of what is ahead. After this treatment, I have 2 rounds left of chemo. I will be meeting with surgeon, Dr. Specht and then Dr. Liao, the plastic surgeon. I will have surgery on Sept 12th. Roughly a month after surgery, I will start my second round of chemo for 8 weeks (one treatment every 2 weeks). I will have a few weeks off and then start radiation which will most likely start in January. Radiation will be once everyday for 6 weeks. In conjunction to radiation, I have to continue to go in for one infusion treatment of Hercepton every 3 weeks for up until a year! May 2017 can not come fast enough! Unfortunately the fun doesn't end there. I will be on medication for the duration of my life. I'm full of emotions if I allow myself  to think about the road ahead. I'm trying to just focus on one each phase at a time and celebrating the small milestones!

As much as I'm trying to stay positive, some days are harder than others. It is hard to not worry about how this will all work out. Carter will return back to school soon. Fall actives and sports will start back up in September.  How will be handle the logistics of getting the kids to places when I'll be out of commission?  My parents will be helping us out but I can't help it worry about what will happen while I'm recovery. I really haven't put much thought to the surgery procedures itself.  I have a lot of anxiety and fears about the recovery process and the kids.  Katherine spent time at NWH a few years back because she caught a bug and became extremely dehydrated.  Carter has this fear every time we drive by NWH.  I wonder if this fear will surface again when he's visiting me in the hospital at MGH. 

I have accrued a decent amount of time off at work but nothing can quite prepare anyone for this. I often wonder if I have enough time to cover the time I need off.  Work has been super supportive but I often feel guilty since I am not carrying my weight and I hate that feeling.  The medical bills have started surfacing. I generally carry the health insurance for the family.  Never in a million year would I have thought that we'd have to compare and review policies so closely at this phase of our lives. My policy carries high co pays and deductibles. We decided to pick up additional insurance through Mike and have the dual insurance for a bit to see if this would elevate some of the expenses. I feel very fortunate that we have such option and have insurance. I truly can't imagine what happens to others who aren't as fortunate. I am also extremely lucky to have also picked up life insurance awhile back. No insurance company would insure me now. I have to trust that this will all work out somehow and that I'm luckily to have caught this and have a fighting chance.

Treatment #10 was my last long treatment! It was indeed a long day. We were at the hospital from a little before 9 until a little after 4. Chemo buddy, Mike, wasn't nearly as fun or as entertaining as my siblings. He was focused on work. I guess one of us has to work. He was sweet enough though in his own way. At the end of the day as we were walking out, he gave me the biggest hug, kissed me on my forehead and said he was proud of me and that I am the strongest chicken he knows! We joke but I still jump when they they access my port.

I have always had a chubby face but the doc said that the steroids I'm taking will make my face rounder so I'm going to go w/ this theory!

Treatment #9

Treatment #9 came and went. I had nurse Ann again and we were in good shape, although the Benedryl hit me like a ton of bricks this past week.  Luckily, the side effect was simply tiredness and nothing more.

Thought I'd share a pic of me and nurse Ann.  Here is a pic of us at my first treatment, then again at week 4 and most recently at week 9! Ann hasn't changed much but I have!

Treatment week 1, week 4 and week 9

 
Crazy to think I only have 3 treatments left in this phase.  The next 3 weeks are going to be busy as I'll be meeting with my medical oncologist, surgeon and plastic surgeon. I have been dragging a bit with this last round of treatment and my chemo brain seems to be in full force!    

After Mike buzzed what hair I had left after the initial cut, Carter really struggled with the new do.  That morning with the newly buzzed hair, he hid under the covers and didn't want to come out.  He was scared of my pale head and asked that I cover it before coming out. It took him a bit to come around but he finally understood why I needed to shave my head.  I was really proud of him when he finally came around.  This pic makes me happy since he wanted to take this selfie together.

The new do is taking a bit of getting use to.  In the shower, I will still go and grab shampoo.  It's strange to not have any hair left to shampoo but since I'm a creature of habit, I'm going to continue to shampoo my bald head!  I'll just have a good smelling scalp.  The other good revelation is how quick it takes me to get ready!  Having no hair to have to dry, style, etc. is pretty awesome!  In addition to saving time, I do not have to worry about hair appointments for the next several months.  I also do not have to shave!  I'm trying to focus on the positives.  ;)  

It has been so incredibly hot that I haven't been wearing a headcover or wig.  I'm simply grabbing a baseball cap and putting it on when we head out or I'll just go 'commando' as my sister, My, would say.  I try not to go commando all that often because I have this weird thought that I may scare people, especially little kids.    

At camp pick up a day last week, the kids were really intrigued by my lack of hair.  A couple of Carter's friends asked why I didn't have hair and if I could take off my baseball cap to show them.  It was a really uncomfortable situation because as much as I was comfortable showing them, I didn't think it was an appropriate time to simply take off the cap and show them and everyone there.  I tried to tell them I'd show them another time but at one point, one of the kids tried to take the cap off my head.  One of the many challenges of being short!  I kept looking at Carter because this was one of the primary reasons why he struggles with my hair loss.  He didn't want people to make fun of me.  He such a sweet kid and told me in the car, he's okay with my hair now and that I could have showed his friends. 

At Katherine's school, there is one friend who is really intrigued by my hair.  I can tell based on the look on her face.  Whenever I go in for pickup, she's checking out my hair.  I feel so bad that the kids have to wonder what is going on with me.  I'm really not all the interesting.  Hmm...I take that back...maybe I am!!  I managed to go to the movies for the first time in 8 years to see Bad Moms this weekend with some awesome friends! The last movie I saw in theater was Slumdog.  Don't laugh!  This was the first time I went out wearing my long wig.  It was fine but at times I felt like it was very obvious that I had a wig on.  I think I may have jumped the gun in buying a wig so early on.  I'll most likely now look for a shorter wig or try to get my long wig cut.

I have to give a special shout out to my amazing parents.  I'm realizing in this blog, I do not mention them much.  They are like me and like to be behind the scene.  They truly have been wonderful during this ordeal.  Every week, after treatment, they call to make sure I'm okay.  My dad really wants to go with me to treatment but I do not want him or my mom to witness the treatment process.   I think it will be too much for them to see me being picked and prodded.  It's just easier for them not to be there.

My parents visit almost every Friday and bring meals and groceries.  They are incredible and very selfless.  Mom will ask if I have any cravings.  If I even think to say something, I'm guaranteed to get that meal!  Since my diagnosis, mom has given up meat.  It's her way of giving back and praying for me to get better.  So whenever she's preparing meals for us and dad, she has to prepare multiple meals!  Friends and neighbors have also offered to drop off meals.  I have been very fortunate to bounce back after treatments so have been able to work and prepare meals as I would normally.  My taste buds are off but I can still cook.

The road to recovery is long and unclear but for now I'm truly thankful this phase hasn't been all too bad.  We will mostly have to lean more on family and friends after my surgery in September but for now we are doing okay.   We have so much to be thankful for!

Be Vigilant!

When My was diagnosed with breast cancer and learned that she had the BRCA gene, her doctor strongly encouraged my siblings and I to also get tested. Lynne and I opted to go together to get our results. I remember my husband, Ryan, saying: “Thank god you guys were both negative. That would have been really hard and awkward if one of you was negative, and the other was positive.”  The thought had never even occurred to me. Of course we would go together. Regardless of what the outcomes were that day, I would always want my sister there with me.

We were both very excited learning our good news. It felt like we had really beat the odds. Van had already been tested and was negative. Since my dad was a carrier, we each had a 50% chance likelihood of having the gene. My friend Michelle, a super smart actuary, told me the there was a 12.5% chance that we’d all be negative, so I felt pretty lucky that we had dodged that bullet.

After hearing we were negative, I remember asking the doctor: “so we won’t get breast cancer??” and I vividly remember her saying “well I can’t guarantee that, but your chances are the same as everyone else.” In my mind, and maybe I was being naive and just on the high of learning the good news, it meant Lynne and I didn’t have to worry about getting breast cancer – we were negative.

So when we learned that Lynne had breast cancer, in addition to all of the other horrible emotions, it was also very confusing. It made sense (even though it was very unfair) that My had it; she had the gene. But Lynne? She was supposed to be okay.

But here we are.

I've had a lot of guilt since I learned that Lynne had breast cancer that I didn't know how to support her or be there for her, so I was so glad that I was able to finally make it to a treatment. When I got to the hospital, the first thing she did was give me some Similac coupons that she picked up for me. I have two little ones under the age of two, and on most days I struggle between getting an extra five minutes of sleep or washing my hair before going to work. And here Lynne was… taking care of her two little kids, scheduling vacations and weekend activities, working, battling cancer, and still having the time to look for deals for me. Lynne, I am in awe at how you do it all. I hope you and Mike know that Ryan and I are always there for you if you guys need anything.

It was the first time I saw Lynne completely without any hair, and maybe I'm a bit biased, but I think she rocked it!! She looked so good!! She looked confident and as My calls her, bada$$.

I was very impressed by the hospital, and everyone I met that day. The facilities were very clean and modern, the nurses and staff members were all so welcoming and everyone knew her name, her doctor who she wasn’t even scheduled to meet with even stopped by during her treatment to check in on her. It made me feel good to know that my sister was in good hands.

Lynne’s treatment went well. She was even able to nap a bit (and I took full advantage of that!) She shared that she hadn’t been sleeping well, so I was glad that she was able to rest for a bit.

At one point during her treatment, I went to the restroom. Next door to Lynne’s room was an older woman who was also getting treatment. She was alone, and it made me so sad that she didn’t have anyone there with her. Everyone should have a chemo buddy.

After treatment, we went to lunch and to pick up the kids from camp and school. When I went into Katherine’s preschool class, a little girl in Katherine’s class said, “why does Katherine’s mommy have hair today?” After telling her that I was their aunt, my immediate reaction was to look at Katherine and Carter to make sure they were okay. They were fine, another reminder that kids are more resilient than we think, and that they will be okay.   

Back at the house, I had SO much fun spending time with the kids.  We spent most of our time making emojis out of construction paper. We laughed when Carter made the poop one; Katherine went the more traditional route and made a heart and unicorn. At one point, Carter pulled up the face emoji with the medical mask and asked if I could help him make it for his mom. When we finished making it, he wrote “hope you feel better mommy” on it. He's just the sweetest, and moments like this make me feel like he'll be stronger and more compassionate because of going through this.

I’ll end by saying, please be vigilant about checking for breast cancer. This is something I need to be reminded of myself. Do self-exams at least once a month. Both of my sisters caught their breast cancer on their own. Lynne had just been to her doctor in the winter and they didn’t find anything. She was told that she could do annual mammograms going forward. I hate thinking about what would have happened if she didn't find it on her own. I have a mammogram scheduled next month!   

#8 down--2/3 way there...WOOHOOO!!

I often forget I'm 'sick' or am battling cancer. Other than the hair loss, I feel and look the same or at least I think I do! Treatment days, to be expected, are a tad tougher than the rest of the week, especially on longer infusion days. I have been fortunate enough to bounce back fairly quickly after treatment sessions but the energy fades as the week progresses.  

For the most part, I feel as a family, we are living our lives as close to normal as possible.  I'm working when I can. The kids are at school or camp.  We have action packed weekend plans filled with get togethers with family and friends, birthday parties, sport activities, etc.  I know this will not always be the case but for this phase of treatment, I'm so happy and grateful that it hasn't disrupted our lives all that much and we have adapted.

This past weekend, we took the kids to Six Flags and they got to spend the day with their cousins and friends.  The kids had a blast!

This week for the first time, I had moments when I felt sick or am reminded to slow down more often than usual.  I took Katherine to the dentist on Monday.  It was also Carter's first time going to a new camp where he is taking the bus three towns over.  It was a hectic morning so I skipped breakfast and took my daily medicine without food.  I generally always try to take medicine with food.  While at the dentist office, I felt incredibly sick.   I felt like I needed to throw up so I excused myself while we were waiting for the receptionist to check us out. Unfortunately I didn't made it into the bathroom and projectile vomited on the floor!  😕  Katherine was so confused and asked me why I was spitting up. I felt incredibly embarrassed but I didn't see this coming.  Luckily since I had not consumed anything but water, the mess wasn't that bad. Have to always find the positive in things! 😊 This is one of the thing I'm learning about cancer is sometime things sneak up on you.  I don't know what's coming around the corner.  From this experience, I've learned to have my brother, JD's trusty yack pack close by in situations like these!  😊  JD had sent to me a supply after I threw up when I had my port installed.

At work, I do not break for lunch often but enjoy running errands occasionally, if I can.  It helps break up the day, gets me out walking and I'm able to some fresh air. This past week, I ran out to Wegman's.  Such adventures would normally take 30 mins.  The adventure this week took me closer to an hour and all I managed to pick up were a handful of things.  I quickly learned that things simply just take longer.  I can't walk as fast to the car.  I occasionally have to pause to catch my breath and sit for a few mins in the car before driving.  The hallways lights in the corridor of the office also seem to bother me in addition to random smells.  I'm super sensitive or so it seems to everything! The best way to describe my symptoms is that it reminds me of being pregnant minus the belly and the joys of feeling kicks.

Since our vacation, it has been a nice break between treatments but we are back on track.  I had my #8 treatment today with Nurse Phil.  Woohoo...I'm 2/3 done with this treatment plan!!  I hadn't been assigned to him prior but always thought he was great since I've seen him before interacting with other patients.  He was very nice and took the time to explain things.  Mike and I were talking to Nova, the social worker.  She had popped in to see how we were doing.  I told her about Carter's struggles with my hair loss still.  Last time we talked to Nova, she gave us a video to watch and share with the kids on hair loss during cancer. We have attempted to show the kids but Carter was not interested in seeing it. As we were talking to Nova, Phil came back in and said he was going to prep my premeds and that we can continue to talk.  I reminded him that I'm super sensitive to medicine.  He assured me he reviewed my files and would proceed slowly like nurse Ann.  I trusted him and said okay. As I was talking to Nova, he was setting up and told me what he was doing.  I was only partially paying attention and and all of a sudden, I felt this huge rush and started coughing.  I was in a haze and wasn't feeling well.  I then realized he had pushed the Benedryl via IV instead of slow dripping the medicine.  Luckily this time, I wasn't shaking but felt the chills.  Mike was on his computer working and didn't realize it either until after the fact.  I generally have this tickle in my throat and cough quite a bit when I'm administered Benedryl via the IV.  I started coughing and he knew something wasn't right and looked up.  Phil too realized something was not right as my speech got slower and I was coughing to catch my breath. I was in a fog!  I slowly told Phil that I assumed he would slow drip the Benedryl and not push the medicine based on prior experiences. He apologized profusely and said he will update the order form and for the remainder of my treatments as that was not specified in my record.  It was a very sleepy treatment.  I did manage to get some shut eye.  I'm sure Mike appreciate that, although I did boss him around to fine me a snack before falling asleep.  😜

It amazes me how the drug is administer affects how I feel.  I guess that's how it should be but again a new revelation because up to this point, I haven't taken or given so many medications.  Speaking of revelations...as we were checking in for the appointment, I asked Mike what the back of my head looked with a baseball hat.  He said I looked like a cancer patient!  I didn't believe him and asked him to take a pic.  Not sure why but I have this illusion that my hair is somewhat full. Unfortunately when he took the pic, I could not believe it!  It was the first time I felt like I just really need to cut it all off. I did not want to look like a cancer patient and much rather be bald than look like what I was seeing!  I have been holding on for Carter.  I decided it was time to rip off the bandaid and cut off what hair I had left.  Mike did the honor a little while before we went to pick up the kids at camp and school.  I was really worried about how the kids would react but they were great!  I waited until we got home to take off my baseball hat.  They didn't seem to notice immediately.  Katherine commented first and said she liked my new haircut!  Carter said I looked different and didn't say much other than saying he didn't want people to make fun of me.  He has been so exhausted from camp.  I can see the wheels spinning in his head as he's processing.  I know he'll come around and I'm so happy their reactions were so great!  We will use clippers this weekend to clean up the new do but here are some pics.

     

Life is a beach!

We vacationed for a week in South Carolina. It was nice to escape and enjoy life pool side and at the beach. I tried my best to forget and simply enjoy my time with the family. We celebrated the 4th of July like no other year prior. We sat on the beach and were able to see fireworks from every direction. It was fantastic and memorable!

The trip was fun but at times difficult. I wore my wig for the first time! I went back and forth on bringing it but knew my hair was barely holding on. In the end, I was happy I packed it. It definitely took a bit of getting use to. At times, it was very hot and uncomfortable, especially in the heat and humidity! It's interesting that once I lost my hair, I can not wear fitted hats. They are just too big! I didn't realize how much hair I had. Something else I learned during this trip was how susceptible I am to sunburns with chemo. I was warned by the doctor and nurses prior to the trip to be careful in the sun.  On the beach, I sat under an umbrella. I fell asleep one afternoon and my toes must not have been not covered. Ouch! Boy, did I ever feel pain!!

During our time in SC, I lost a good portion of the remainder of my hair. Hair was everywhere! It was bad to the point that I needed to sweep, even on vacation! I thought to help the kids (mostly Carter) with the hair loss, we'd do an exercise that they could take part in. I asked them how they felt if they could cut my hair on the last day of our trip. Katherine was excited and couldn't wait. Carter was reluctant and kept saying 'I don't want people to make fun of you!' We worked on it throughout the week.  I knew he was personally struggling with the physical changes. I tried to explain to him, I would still be the same person. I would still love, kiss, hug, and play with him. I also reminded him that this change is temporary and my hair would grow back.  On the last day of our trip, I gave the kids the option. Katherine couldn't wait. She made the first cut. Carter was still reluctant and ran off initially. He finally came around as we were cutting and agreed to one cut. Immediately after the one snip, he ran off and said he was done. Mike helped me fix the haircut to even it out. I went to show Carter but he still wasn't having it. He took the wig and asked me to put it on. When I did, he seemed better.

Carter, mama knows this is a big change. I hope you can finally come around. I love that you care about me and what people may say. I promise you I'll love you the same way with or without hair, buddy! It's just hair and shouldn't define who we are and saddens me that you have already picked up on what is deemed the 'norm' at six! We'll get through this and I hope witnessing what mama is going through will help make you and your sister be braver and have more compassionate for others.

We made it through the holiday weekend without being reminded I had cancer. Early Tuesday morning, on the 5th, I received a call from the hospital. It was Jenn from Dr. Specht's office looking to schedule my surgery. I quickly was reminded of life as a cancer patient. We went ahead and booked the surgery for Monday, September 12. Prior to the surgery, in mid August, I'll be meeting again with Dr. Specht to discuss the details of the surgery. I will also be meeting with a plastic surgeon to talk about reconstructive surgery. Jenn emailed documentations regarding the appointments and guideline about the surgery procedures. With family history, I'm leaning towards an aggressive approach of bilateral mastectomy with reconstructive surgery. We will finalize the plans when we meet with the surgeons.

Since I took a week off from treatment, I had my makeup treatment on Monday, July 11. Dr. Commander is not at MGHW on Mondays so I was scheduled to see her nurse practitioner, Lucy Miller. The blood work and normal procedures went well, as did our appointment with Lucy. We ran into issues as I was in the infusion room waiting for treatment. Since my typical appointments are on Thursdays, the computer had me scheduled for last Thursday. The pharmacy would not release my order without Dr. Commander's authorization. Once again, I was assigned to nurse, Ann, and she helped track down Dr. Commander at MGH in Boston. We waited close to an hour before treatment began. Treatment #7 will go on record as one of the longest treatment but fortunately, it was uneventful!

This week Carter is at a local camp that runs from 9-3. My appointment on Monday was at 8:45. In anticipation of this appointment, we made plans for coverage but found out on Sunday we needed to make alternative plans. Luckily we found friends and neighbors to help with AM drop off and serve as backup for PM pick up. We are reminded in these situations, how incredibly blessed we are to be part of a great community! Special thanks to The Careys and The Walshes for coming to the rescue!! ❤️

I'll be your chemo buddy

I said I wouldn’t blog but here I am. The deal was that if you’re Lynne’s chemo buddy then you have to be a guest blogger…so here goes nothing.

 

When I first heard of the news that Lynne had breast cancer my thought was lightning really does strike twice. We had just gone through this whole ordeal with our other sister, My, not long ago and now it’s happening again to another sister. But it really didn’t take me long to understand that this happened to us because the big guy up there knows we’re a strong family and we’ll get through it and come out even stronger. My second reaction was feeling like it was unfair that it happened to Lynne and not me because I was the one that wanted free boobie implants. Lynne doesn’t care that she’s flat like a pancake! I guess it’s also the big guy’s way of saying that he’s going to take care of the flat pancakes for her if she wasn’t going to do anything about it.  ( . )( . ) J

 

I accompanied Lynne to her 6^th treatment. It was a milestone because it meant she was at the halfway mark and only 6 more treatments to go for the first round. When I saw Lynne, after the hugs and the hellos, the next thing she said was “take these (slap bracelets) home for Alyssa and Dylan” and I knew it was going to be a good day. If you know Lynne, you know she loves free swags. Chemo wasn’t going to get in her way of getting of free swags. Chemo was uneventful and Lynne took it like a champ! Not once did I have to remind her to “relax your body”. Chemo flew by fast probably because I was entertaining the both of us with my shenanigans and entertaining skills. J

 

Surprisingly Lynne had a lot of energy after chemo. I’d like to think it was her chemo buddy’s energetic vibes rubbing off her. She’s usually really tired and wants to go home to rest but today she asked to go to the mall. So off to the Natick mall we went. We spent time shopping at all of our favorite beauty stores. Our first stop was at Mac. Lynne bought foundation and powder for an upcoming trip to Myrtle Beach. Our next stop was Sephora. As soon as we stepped into the store, they had brow powder on display. This was also another sign from the big guy saying she needed to do something with her non-existing brows. I showed her how to apply it and voila…instant makeover! As we were checking out Lynne tells the cashier that she has a “Sophia” reward card. Of course the cashier’s reaction was “what kind of card?” She didn’t have a Sephora reward card but she had a “Sophia” reward card… priceless!

 

After shopping we were hungry so decided to stop at the Cheesecake Factory to get food to go.  As we’re waiting for our food to come out Lynne decides she wants bread to go as well. She approached the waiter and asked if she can have the dark chocolate bread to go. Yeah, I didn’t realize Cheesecake Factory had dark chocolate bread either! What she really meant was the wheat bread. I would like to think it was the chemo brain but no, that has always been Lynne. She has her own vocabulary that only she understands.

 

We get back home and chemo brain kicks in and Lynne forgets the code to the garage door so we’re stuck outside. Making the most of our time we decide to have a romantic lunch on the patio. We put out the nice spread of food from Cheesecake factory and just enjoyed the food and soaked in the beautiful weather. And as we’re sitting there eating, Lynne tells me she’s never sat outside on the patio since they’ve moved in. Spending the day with Lynne made me realize to really enjoy the little things in life.

 

I would like to end by saying a few personal words to my sister, Lynne. I’ve never been good with showing or expressing my feelings but I do hope you know how much I love you (and that goes for all my other siblings). Even with thinning hair and eyebrows, you still look beautiful. When we were growing up, I took the punishments for you and fought your battles and I would gladly take on this cancer for you if I could. But I know you’re strong and fierce and you can face anything that comes your way. Just know it’s not about the cancer. Anything that you’re going through, you’re really battling yourself; you’re not battling the cancer.  It’s all about what you’re willing to put in to overcome the obstacle you’re faced with. It’s about how tough you are mentally to do what you do. Stay physically and mentally strong, sis. I’m here for you always and together we can get through this and kick cancer’s ass again!

 

Cheers to the best chemo buddy there is (that’s me!)! J