Insomnia

Insomnia is the pits! But insomnia combined with nerves may be 10x worse. I'm laying here wide awake when the rest of the house is quiet as a mouse. I should be sleeping but I can't.  The harder I try, the more awake and alert I become. It's 3:30 am and infomercials are on. I decided to blog instead of being tempted in buying something that doesn't work. So here goes my random rant. 😊

Well the next big day is here. I've been a ball of nerves. Information is power and key but I'm simply scared. I have heard so much about what is called AC drugs. I have heard they have a cumulative effect so it will become more taxing on my body as the weeks progress. I have been warned, during this treatment, I will have to give myself shots. I freaking hate needles! And supposedly the portion of the AC drug is red in color so I'll be peeing what appears to be blood. Can't wait! Gross!! To my family and friends, I apologize in advance for my behavior during the next few weeks. Buckle up, it should be interesting!

The journey so far, I feel like I've been in drive mode. When we started with the first round of chemo, I jumped right in and didn't have much time to think or really process the information. Perhaps it was a blessing! I was nervous about surgery as well but it didn't dawn on me how invasive or how my body would change. I'm still getting use to these new things they call boobs! I know this all sounds crazy but perhaps this has been how I have been coping. This round of chemo has been different. I have had a lot of idle time, recovering from surgery that the mind wonders.

I'm trying really hard to focus on the positives. I'm beyond blessed to have the results of the first round of chemo. Some people are not nearly as lucky so instead of complaining or being scared I'm trying to focus on that! This next round will help knock out what is left. If I do get sick, it simply means the medicine is working. Some people would love such a response.  I have been reading this one other lady's blog. She has metastatic breast cancer. She said that because the chemo no longer works, she has no side effects. Whenever I think I'm struggling, I read her blog and she really help puts things into perspective. So to this lady who I have not met, thank you for blogging and sharing your journey. I admire your strength and courage. You are beyond amazing and inspirational!

It's crappy luck that I got cancer. No one deserves cancer! I never feel sorry for myself. My heart often breaks for the kids but they are also the reason why I can't mope around and feel sorry. They are the engine to what makes this body run.  I choose to focus on the positives and fight!  Cancer has taught me a lot about myself and will continue to shape who I am.  It has also taught me that it is important to live life with no regret and to live each day like it could be my last.  It has taught me to treat my body well.  It has showed me my many blessings and has showed me what true friendship looks like. The journey isn't over but I no longer look at the six little letter word, cancer, as pure evil. I associate it more with HOPE. I remain forever hopefully all the time, not just for me but for everyone. Cancer has taught me how to have grace, and empathy for all people. 'Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind.ALWAYS!'

We have best prepared the kids for this next round. We talked at dinner about mommy having to go in for treatment and that I may feel tired.  Tonight while tucking Carter in bed, he asked can you get cancer twice? I was honest with him and pray every day that I'm truly cancer free.

Real tv is about to come back on so I'll watch a little bit and hopefully get a little shut eye before the kids get up. Thanks to all the family and friends who have reached out to show your love and support. I'm okay. Chugging along. The quicker I get started, hopefully the quicker it will be over. After today, I will be a quarter done with this round. I can do it!  😊